What a depressing day!! I just found out that the head Camp Director at Trinity Pines just got let go!! I just don’t understand he was the best manager I have ever worked for. It really sucks, because that means the new Camp Director might change Trinity Pines for the worse. Also that officially means I am not going to work at Trinity Pines again. I know change can sometimes be for the better, however there are not many good Camp Director like he was. Sad and depressed I am. Well that is life. I have a feeling that this year will not be as good as I am thinking. Argh.
It is so sad when Christmas is over, I just don’t know what to do. One little story, I was hanging out with the family until 11:50pm. Then I left to go to the country house. As I was driving I had my traditional 107.9 Christmas music on and was singing along in Christmas spirit. All of a sudden the clock stroke 12 and my whole world changed. There was no Christmas music to be found. The rest of the drive was very depressing. I just could not listen to the newest music, I really wanted to listen to the old time Bing Crosby, Frank Sinatra, Dean Martin, and etc. No more “Holly Jolly Christmas.” Oh how I dislike the change back to the real world. I think there should still be Christmas music it is still the holidays and we are still in December. Man the midnight can sure change the world!
I don’t know if this was the worst week of my life, but really it came close. I have had every emotion in the book. I hate getting angry. And when I get angry it is not pretty. I almost cried in a class! Also throwing up not a good feeling, I am not sick, I am sick from my finals making me so nervous. Wow craziness. Oh looking like crap this week, was awful! I slept over at a friends house off and on, so wearing the same clothes was not very attractive. Only sleeping for 3-5 hours every night for the past week I think it is really getting to me. On top of all that the jewelry thing is driving me crazy. More and more money going done the drain. Love life, it is a crazy adventure with good and bad and some really really bad times. Now I just have a presentation tomorrow not a big deal, presentations are always easy, and way better than taking a final.
I am so sleepy today. Only got five hours last time of sleep. Took a marketing test and didn’t do so well. My heart is not into anything lately, maybe I just need a break. Like photograph, think would be a fun class, wrong I hate it I dislike all my pictures. The only pictures I like are when I just having fun, not force to take. Crazy is my mind. Sleep is not on my agenda. I don’t want to be lazy but I feel like I am whenever I sleep.
It has be so long since I been on here. This week was so stressful! The hardest paper I have ever written was due on Wednesday. Another paper is due today in my Theology class on a book called “A New Kind of Christian.” I didn’t start reading the book until Wednesday night. I have never read a book so fast. The paper got done and now I am free to right all my other four papers due. Oh on top of the stressful week I signed up to be a jeweler. My mom tricked me into this decision. I Monday night I thought is was going to be a jewelry party, oh no it was a seminar to get me into the business. Anyways it is said October is almost over. I am not ready for November so much to get done. Oh the joy’s of being in college.
Is it possible to fall in love with a book that you have never touched over even looked at? Well I just did. The author of “The Stack” is here this week. All he talks about puts me into prospective of my own life. It is amazing that is was able to listen to him more than I am able to listen to a pastor. Deeply I feel I really need to work on my own life. I am a cloud, like a thunderstorm I can’t see to the next blue sky. The reason I feel this way is because I don’t have a relationship with God. I always tell people “Oh yeah I have God in my life I am a believer.” Which I truly am a believer; however I am not showing my love or compassion. That is just the way I was raised, I am not showing Jesus in me. The summer of eighth grade I accepted Jesus into my heart, however from that I have not grown. I pray to God, but that is it. I am not living a life with a relationship. I just have good morals. How do I have a relationship? How do I trust myself to be put into that position? Am I a strong enough person? People talk about being independent, but are we really? I am dependent on some many things. Like friends, family to make me feel better about myself. I know I need those people in my life but am I not being dependent on God. I try to find God in my friends and family but overall I need to find God in me. Being stuck in this thunderstorm that has no lighting or rain or even thunder it is just a black cloud. My knowledge is all in a whirlwind. There is always so much going on in my head. I just don’t know what to think anymore. I am a junior in college, however I still feel like I am a junior in high school. Being mature is that even possible and what is maturity anyways? People say someone is not mature because of this and this well does that mean we all are immature. Is being immature mean not having an education. I know having a education makes me notice what is the truth. There are so many things to think about and know. I find it so amazing that I still can get past what I want out of my life. I make assumptions but really that is not what God wants. Do I even know what it means to have a relationship? I have a relationship with my mom, my high school friends, my sister, but what does it mean to have a relationship with God? It has to be something more than just having a relationship with one another. It has to be more than having a relationship with a guy, cause really who would want to be in a relationship with your significant other when all you have is each other and no one else. I feel like that brings trouble. Because to have a relationship with God is to have more than what you have around you. People break people’s hearts and the only thing we can hold on to is our relationship with God. He gave us the Bible a story of him the truth of him the reason to follow him and look up to him. I idealize so much and it is so easy to. Like pastors they are not perfect, we cant just have them be our example of God. Singers, actors, parents, friends, professors, siblings, authors and so on, they are not who we should idealize they are just there to share their experience and to share their own knowledge. How can I break that idealizing? I put all my faith in God, but then I get scared. I worry about everything. Is God going to make me do something I don’t want to do? Yeah probably most likely, I just need to find the strength in me to jump into doing something I don’t want to do. Out of that I will find probably great comfort. As I get older I find myself facing so many things. Troubles with family, friends, and my own college life. I just don’t want to always think about me, because I am scared I might be selfish. For me I am not the one to worry about, yes I worry about my future, how my relationships are going with my family and friends, my classes and if I am actually getting the intelligence I need to get a job. In all actuality I need to think about my own self, who I am and what I want to become, I need to look at my relationship in myself (which is in God). In my mind I always get distracted. I start to think about different things and hide what is really inside me what I need to work on. I know I will always have trouble, but I just have to know I will always be comforted. And the people around me will get their own lives or maybe died and what is left, is just me. Sure I will get new relationships everywhere I go but overall I will be alone if I just hide myself from myself. That is all I am doing is hiding. Hiding from God, when I pray I am just pretending to be this holy person who I am not. I was taught to show the good side and not the bad. Maybe if I attack that bad side I will find all my potential. I find myself always thinking about my future, but what I really need to do is think about me. It sounds so selfish but it is important. I always dislike when people talk about me me me. But I should be talking about me as well. The best way for me to be me is to talk about me. I am going to face every day with the struggles I face and try to not think about me and what I want, but I think it is time for me to think about me. Not try to help people think about themselves until I find my own wisdom. I know I will help people as I am thinking about me, ha I hope at least. Image is nothing until your true inside is completely content. I need to not worry about what people think of me. I need to worry about not having a relationship with God. I know my family always shows the good side when really we need to be truthful about our bad side. Well that is my testimony for the day. What a relief!! I feel like I am going to have a better day. Oh one thing, on judgment day am I worthy to be in heaven? That is what I need to find out and fix!
So tonight I went to Timeout, which is a worship chapel for college students lead by college students. The girl who spoke is a sophomore as for I am a junior. It was kind of weird to listen and get something out of a speech when it is someone younger than me. I guess I am just so use to listening to professors who just have lived and been though so much than me. Anyways what she said tonight was what I have been thinking about all summer long. The topic was love. God is love not love is God, which is something I never figured out. But I have noticed that I am at times very shy about myself. Mostly because I get it from my mom who always wants to impress my dad who doesn’t notice her like she would like. Also my brother always puts this pressure on me for noticing my weight. I really do miss my brother. It is so weird being a junior in college and not knowing half of the people here. He was the one I would love to run into on campus mostly because of his familiar face. I miss him also for him not being here is making me notice that I need to grow up. I also miss my artsy side like dancing and listening to a song and just making up a dance that would be beautiful to the eyes of people. I just am looking back on the past cause I am growing up so fast from just being in college. I never thought I will have to deal with so much. From my family issues to my friends. I have always been the girl who just wants to figure out who I am and where I stand. I still am a freshman just learning the basics of everything. I want to be mature but being mature in my mind means being someone doesn’t enjoy life. My mind is so crazy from learning things to knowing who I am after college from high school. I thought I knew who I was in high school. I am just so glad I have people in my life who love me so much. I am so lucky to grow up in a family who believes in God. I don’t know what I would do without God in my life. I really need to build my relationship onto trusting him. he is my stone that I just have a hard time trusting. What is Love? Does everyone have the same type of love put into them. Well I will have to write more later because I need to sleep and deal with a long day of classes tomorrow.
Well this is the first time I am putting words into a blog format. It is enjoyable to be able to state my feelings of different subjects. However, in a way it is weird to openly put it on the internet. So much is going on right now and it is so hard to keep myself sane. Going crazy it what is going to happen. Maybe I will go to the hospital for that. So today was my first day of school. My classes will be fun. It is just going to be hard to live with roommates who like things to be so perfectly orderly like my grandma does. It makes me mad to have someone as a peer tell me to push in my chair. Also I am so tired of hearing about complaining about getting a boyfriend. I just want to say “we are young and we need to graduate college, it is not the time to worry about not having a boyfriend.” I guess that is what I get for going to a small college. That is one thing I learned over the summer with working at a camp is that I don’t need a man to make me happy. Also I really think that it is better to have an older man. Not like really older more like 1 to four years older. It is just because boys don’t have the maturity level to be in a relationship. Another reason why I don’t want a boyfriend and why other girls should be patient as well is that there are many males who are horrible and treat women like a piece of meat. This summer I haven’t seen very good relationship, ranging from my parents to my friends to acquaintances. My summer really made me grow in noticing that I need to think about myself and my relationship with Jesus. I don’t need a guy to lean on. When I get out of college and start a job. I would really like to live on my own in my own apartment. I really don’t want to get married after college. I want time to myself. Just like I am so tired right now and stress with everything that I just want a me day. A day away from everyone and a day just being by myself. Anyways there goes my rant for the day that has been on my mind for about a month.